Monday, November 10, 2008

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Holy Shit.


I'm sorry for not having something wonderfully expressive to open this post with, but that's the only thing that can sum up my experience.


Let me preface this post by admitting to you, my dear readers, that I almost backed out of Bootcamp today. Yes, i know. Pathetic isnt it. I parked my car right out front of where all the Bootcamp ladies were to meet- just so I could suss out the situation.


In fact, my hand even hovered over my keys which were still in the ignition for a while.


Some miracle surge of energy and bravery got my ass out of that car and in to be measured and weighed. It's funny- I feel good about being weighed now. I do forget however that when I meet people for the first time, they don't know I used to be even fatter, and sometimes look me up and down and furrow their brows.


We got our glaringly bright tshirts (Mine is sexy hot pink, which incidentally matched my face after 5 mins in) and chatted nervously amongst our selves.


I was pleasantly surprised to see I was not the only overweight person there.Not even the most obese person there! I know I should gain my confidence from myself, not measure on other people, but I must admit it did make me feel better knowing I wasnt the biggest there.


Ms A was not the only one running the bootcamp- there was a young Italian guy there (from here on in he is the Italian Stallion) who looked like he was barely 18 (that sounds like a bad taste porno- BARELY 18!!!) and I must admit, I judged him by appearance and immediately assumed he would be the biggest douche. For that, I am in fact the douche. Lol.


Italian Stallion led the group into our very first exercise- A fast paced jog, uphill, where we ran in pairs, the last pair running to the front of the group to set the pace, then the next, and so on and so on. Kind of like those mental dosey-do, church and steeple move, promenading polka dances I learnt in Primary School. (Did anyone else do that? Tell me I am not the only one who knows the horrors of the dosey-do and grapevine combination?!)


It is here it becomes increasingly obvious that I am, by far, the most unfit person in this Bootcamp. I look pleadingly at the other overweight ladies and think, 'It's a sisterhood of obeseness! Please tell me this is ridiculously dificult for you too? Wait for meeee!!!' *said in the whiniest voice possible of course*


We run. I ran. R A N.

You may be thinking, der. Heard you the first time. Get over it.


BUT I WILL NOT GET OVER IT.


I was running uphill, wearing a jubilous grin on the inside (a woman running uphill, breathing heavily and grinning madly would look all kinds of crazy) and feeling pretty awesome about myself until I realise at this point I cannot feel my legs. And i'm heaving like an asthmatic. Problematic since I do not suffer from asthma.



I was atleast four metres away from the rest of the group by this stage, with Italian Stallion yelling out 'KEEP UUUUPPPP!' I felt tempted to smack him one. Infact, had he not been moving too fast for my chubby little legs to keep up with I may just have.


You may notice above I have included an image of Eastern Beach, the setting for the terror that is Bootcamp. Please note that it has very steep hills, masses of stairs (with quite an incline) and stretched out forever.


By this stage I am feeling like this was the worst decision of my life. And that perhaps that not everyone is cut out for Bootcamp. AND I WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.


I felt like my chest might explode- like a cannon was inside it just about to go off at any moment. Another weird sensation for me was my sides (i believe on infommercials they call them obliques) aching and burning like you wouldnt believe. Was this from the weight of my hefty stomach heaving to and fro? Or simply a stitch? Once again, I realise I am so out of touch with my own body that I can't even tell.


I finally reach the group of Bootcamp participants and the Italian Stallion who were waiting for me at the end of the first circuit, breathing with so much difficulty that other bootcamp girls seem to be watching me just in case I have a coronary.


"Well done girls!" The Italian Stallion exclaims, "Warm Up Over! You will be all ready for the cardio challenge we have in store for you later!"


My eyes bug out of my head. The only thing that was keeping me going going up that hill was that this cardio component was almost over and we would be moving on to working our muscle groups. I look around to the other girls- no one else seems fazed at all. In fact, they are giggling and mucking around like their perfect little fit bodies had not even noticed they were infact being jogged up a steep hill.


THAT WAS JUST A FREAKING WARM UP?!


A real feeling of dread washes over me and I was ready to admit defeat. Thats It, i thought, atleast I gave it a shot.


Then I remember that muscle training is next- and I was sure that I couldn't completely cock that up. Sure push ups are incredibly hard- in fact i can only ever remember doing three in my whole life, but i think that's a pretty common thing for women. And back in the less fat days, I could kill my skinny friends in a situp comp.


So I dragged (and indeed it felt like dragging) my weary, warmed up body to the flat ground.


I suprised myself! I achieve 7 pushups, 3 of which werent even the lady kind! I feel pretty good about this, however cant be too happy because I still have that cardio challenge in the back of my mind.


And then the obvious hits me -i am slow to catch on obviously!- Whilst not fantastic at cardio, I can do these muscle workouts. And kinda well. Not as great as the buff girls in the group, but not so little so as to shame myself. And I did more pushups and situps than the other overweight girls in the group.


That's where I began to think that I can actually do this, and stop thinking of excuses as to why I can't.


It's funny- when I used to watch The Biggest Loser (eating pizza or something similar whilst viewing of course) I would snort at the girls who would cry, or yell out 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!' I thought they were being dramatic, and quitters. I'd yell back at the tv, telling them to toughen up and get their arses into gear. Now, I completely understand the feeling of simply having nothing left in your body to give.


Italian Stallion shows us our course for the cardio challenge.It went uphill, downhill, up those hellish stairs, and all kinds of different terrains. We have 15 minutes to complete it, can go at whatever pace we wanted, but at under no circumstance would we be able to stop. Or even pause. At all.


It's an understatement to say that I am shitting bricks at this stage. I honestly thought that I would die before completing that circuit.


And yet I attempted it anyway. I didnt feel it then, but I'm so proud to write that.


I tried to run with the rest of the group- falling behind very quickly and doing myself no justice, I push myself to the point I am gagging and feel like I may vomit. This is where I begin to power walk. I feel like a lazy, defeatist shit for walking, but when I think about it, previously I could only walk slowly for 15 minutes without being out of breath. I power on.


The bigger girls seem like miles away now- even the one I estimated was 20kg heavier than I. Weight is truly not an indication for fitness levels!


I was coming last by a huge amount of time. And yet I pushed myself up those stairs, did not slow down when I noticed the heels of my feet bleeding from my new shoes, and dragged my tree trunks up those god damn steps.


Italian Stallion stays by my side, teaching me how to breath properly. It turns out I was breathing quite shallowly, causing myself to hyperventilate and tire even more quickly. I do not need to work against myself!


I notice that most girls have finished at this stage. I feel bad about that briefly, but then shake it off.


Italian Stallion stays with me, pushing me on, without being irritating or smug or a know it all. He tells me he is proud of how I am going and It doesnt matter if i dont meet the 15 minute milestone for the cardio challenge- finishing it will be my starting point.


I am so grateful for this man who I judged so harshly.


Finally, the end was near, and I even managed to jog the last 10 metres of the challenge.


I was the last to finish by far, am heaving like nothing else, and finished 1.5kms of difficult terrain in a little under 17 minutes.


BUT I FELT AWESOME. (Like i could die at any moment, but awesome)


The whole group clapped when I finally finished, (which was lovely but also made me feel like the resident pity party) I need to just accept peoples nice gestures, instead being suspicious of peoples kind gestures.


So how did i feel afterwards?


Put it this way- I fell out of my car, flat onto my face into my driveway. That's how weak I felt.


Another strange side effect- I felt quite weepy afterwards, and i'm not normally like that. I thought exercise relased endorphins?!


But now, after a warn bath and attending to the wounds on the back of my heels, i feel ok. Not fantastic and motivated, but not vowing never to attend again.


The best thing is, I know I can do it now.


And it will only get easier from here on in!


Next bootcamp is Wednesday...hopefully i can work myself up to going.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

YAY!! go CBB!

I would have been at the back with you!

My cardio fitness is fairly crappy, and Ill never forget those cross country marathons from High school PE lessons...walking in 20 mins after everyone else with a big purple face...

Anyway you did it! well done. Im all motivated to go to the gym now

Gill

Sarah D said...

Nice work! If it makes you feel any better, i'm 60 kilos and of average fitness and sometimes i just want to burst into tears when I'm exercising too!

I do bootcamp as well, and no matter how fit you get, as long as you push yourself really hard you will probably get to a point where you feel quite weepy (this generally happens to me in hill sprints which are my one weekness!).

In fact i was more likely to get weepy when I was really fit because I would be like "i should be able to do this, I'm a loser blah blah". Personally i think its the negative self talk that makes you feel like this, you need to really concentrate on telling yourself you're doing a great job. :-)

And if you feel it coming the best thing to do is try and slow your breathing down and breathe deeply because shallow breathing and hyperventilating (yes this happens to me too) only make things worse!

Tully said...

Oh my god, I felt every bit of pain and triumph. I know what it is like to just want to give up and feel like you just can't go on. You did a great job, congratulations!

Good luck tomorrow!