See the wagon....

....yeah, i'm off it.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

It's like once I realised I was doing well, no not well, GREAT, my head tells me to relax now, to have a munch on those corn chips...it's ok!

But its not ok. *sigh*

It all started when I had the most horrendous pain of my life on Wednesday. As in, pain that made my jaw swell, my whole face throw and my eyes well up with tears all day.

I left work early to go to the dentist and found out that my wisdom teeth need taking out, and has to be done in the hospital because of how severely impacted they are.

Oh, and that will be $5000.00 (sorry, whinge over I promise!)

That night I was still in pain, but more so in such a negative mood that there was no way I could muster up the courage needed for bootcamp.

And so I flaked.

BUT IT GETS WORSE. (my, aren't I caps happy today?)

I flaked again on Friday. Once again, the painkillers had still not kicked in properly and I called Ms A and piked.

I know it was justified, but at the same time I still feel crap about it.

In addition (why do I feel like im writing an essay of excuses here) I don't think I will be losing this week, which is sucky after my awesome success last week.

There will be an update after bootcamp tonight (if I don't pass away from exertion!).

As crappy as this week has been, I don't want to be a negative nelly so here are some fabulous things in my life at the moment....

♥ Mum has invited N and I over for a roast dinner tonight. (Low fat of course) I love going to my Mum and Dad's and chatting about nothing over diet cordial and sakata crackers.

♥I went to City Chic and purchased the hottest dress, I feel like a 50's pin up girl in it! Will post photos next week, as its for my work Christmas do!

♥My mum told me where to buy my pug Pokey a Santa outfit for cute Christmas morning photos!

♥I had quite a violent encounter on Saturday night, but I managed to be the bigger person (quite literally and figuratively)and not let it get to me. (More on that later!)

Stay posted!

** Drumroll Please!**

I have now lost a grand total of 10.6 kilograms on 13 weeks!

My starting weight, all those weeks ago, was 106.5kgs....

and now I weigh 94.kgs!

(And I bought myself a ridiculously expensive GHD hair straightener as a reward!)

Singin In The Rain....

Or rather, dying from exhaustion in the rain!


WEEK 2, SESSION 3 in HELLCAMP

The sky was grey all Friday, and all day I secretly hoped that Ms A would call and say that bootcamp was cancelled.

Suffice to say, 5.30 came and there was no phone call. So I sucked it up and got myself to Eastern Beach.

I was still holding hope that perhaps Ms A would applaud my devotion and then tell me to go home- but no such luck.

There were probably only 12 of us girls who showed up, and I knew straight away that we were going to work!

Ms A split us into two groups, the fit and the not-so-fit, like she does every week.

Italian Stallion took my group for the first session, and asked us to jog over to the fountain to start our exercises.

I began to jog at a slow pace (my only jogging pace!) and Italian Stallion looked at me, eyebrows raised with suprise and exclaimed, 'You've gotten so much fitter!'

That really shocked me. I guess its because I always feel like its such a struggle- which is really how I should feel If i want this to work.

He had us play a game where we ran up and down hill with weights, in two teams. The idea was one team had to steal weights from the other team, and the team with the most weights won. My team tried hard, we were one person down and my team members were lumped with the most unfit person there (lol) but ultimately lost.

Our penance? We had to run up the steepest hill at the beach, quicker than Italian Stallion or else we had to run up again! Let me tell you, hauling 98 or so (I don't even remember how much I weigh anymore?!) kilograms up a hill that feels like its at a 90 degree angle isnt easy!

I managed to beat him up the hill but I'm pretty sure he showed me a little (or perhaps a lot!) of mercy.

The last part of our session with Italian Stallion was wheelbarrow walking. Wow.

He gave us all different distances to reach- mine was probably only 2 metres. I remember thinking 'Ha!! He does not know the power of Cinderella Big Butt!'

My story changed, however, when I was on my arms with my partner behind holding my legs, with a fantastic few of my, well, behind.

The afore mentioned 98 kilograms all weighing on my flabby, muscle lacking arms?! PAIN! Just pain! No other way to describe it! I made it to my two metre mark, but then on the way back bellyflopped in the mud, unable to carry myself any further!

How gracious and ladylike of me, lol. But then again nothing of this bootcamp experience so far has been gracious or ladylike in the slightest!

We switched groups, and this time we were met by Ms A and L. Have I told you about L?

L was the great trainer who got back my spirits after the SNB debacle. L is stunning- truly one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen. And is she fit or what!!! I like L- she doesnt let me get away with anything- she's a hard one, but isn't rude or arrogant about it.

She does love to dole out the push ups though!



The rain came down harder- It didnt matter anymore, we were soaked to the bone anyhow.

We ran to Ms A, and L gave me the same look Italian Stallion had earlier.
'Far out CBB! You've improved so much!' she smiled, and my heart swelled with pride.

I didnt bask in the glory for long- our next task was to drag GIANT bags filled with sand along the foreshore. I had forgotten how hard it was to run in sand!

We all pushed on, and I could see the other girls were hurting too. And if one of us stopped jogging? 20 pushups!

We ended up doing 5 sets of 20 push ups over that half an hour! I would never ever have thought that was something my body could achieve, but yet here I was.

After bootcamp, I felt absolutely ecstatic. Gone was the feeling of desparation that used to come over me after bootcamp- these must be those famed endorphins!

I weigh in tonight, and will keep you posted. Hopefully I will have good news this week!

Questions to myself

Questions to Myself
(thanks to Heather from setting her free- you are such an inspiration!)

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?

Perhaps it would be quicker to write down what I wasnt likely to eat? *sigh* The main foods I would make my self sick on was big bowls of pasta, bread, gourmet cheeses, lindt chocolate, and pizza.



2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Lunch was a big trap for me. I work in the city and there are so many delicious food options literally across the road from my office- Chinese, McDonalds, KFC, Mexican, Thai, counter meals....! I really enjoyed the choice available and ate a bigger and bigger lunch every week, convincing myself it was healthier to have a large meal in the day time and a small on at night. But then that night, I would still have a normal sized dinner!


3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Whilst I was over eating, I felt really satisfied and happy. Afterwards? Guilt and shame for having eaten such a large meal. I would even lie to my coworkers about my large portions, saying stuff like 'I ordered this, but they gave me the wrong order and now I have all this!' That made me feel even lower afterwards and I'm so ahsamed of myself for that.


4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I dont think I did- I think I just had poor eating habits eg never having breakfast, not drinking water etc. Obviously the huge lunches didnt help, but I would never just go home and eat and eat.


5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?

Well I have honestly been overweight since my early teens. I remember being a bit chubby in Yr 7, but not what anyone would ever call fat. I did dance programs at my school and competitions, and my weight would go up and down depending on that. Around Yr 9 I got to my smallest, probably a size 12. It went downhill from there- I got a job at the local McDonalds. When I left high school I was a size 14 up top ad 16 down the bottom at 75kg and quite unhappy. Three years after high school, it seems I have put on an average of 10kg on every year!

My parents are both diabetic- consequently I have grown up classifying foods as 'good' and 'bad.' I was the kid that had never had a cheeseburger, the kid that didnt know what white bread tasted like, the kid that BEGGED their mum for roll-ups and muesli bars at the milk bar.

I'm pretty sure thats why I have such a messed up relationship with food- and as soon as I got my first job, I would waste my whole pay on junk food.



6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
No- ultimately everything I have eaten has been my own fault. It's funny though- genes definitely play a part in it. Growing up, my sisters and I all ate the same yet they stayed very slim. We were all inactive, just like my Mum. All of our hobbies were sedentary ones like reading, boardgames, watching movies etc. I used to sob my little heart out in my room at how unfair it was that they never put on weight.

That was until this year, when I met my biological fathers family. (My sisters were from my Mum's first marriage) I met my half brother who is morbidly obese. I met my aunties and uncles, all of whom were morbidly obese. They showed photos of my deceased biological father- who was also morbidly obese.

So i guess I do curse my genes on one side of the family, but yet know that I am where I am because of my own bad habits.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I have gone on new 'diets' and 'regimes' atleast once a month since I was 15. Honestly, once I got to 20, I did not give a shit anymore. I ate and ate and ate, resigned to the fact I was going to be fat all of my life and I needed to accept that.
No breakfast since the age of 13 has obviously not helped.


8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Sometimes. I've joined Fernwood and Curves before, tried power walking every night. But ever exercise that actually made me hurt the next day, or think I wasn't going to be able to breath. So never enough, really.

9. Why did you choose that activity level?
I'm lazy. I much prefer to be inside reading a book than outside! Now im just trying to retrain myself to like exercise.

10. What made you finally want to change?
It's hard to say really- I think the everything just kind of worked out perfectly. A new weight loss centre had opened near work, I was happier than ever, had more time to myself now my boyfriend had started workig night shift...it just felt like I could make it work this time.

Wednesday in Hellcamp: Session 5, Week 2

I realised I havent even posted a pic of me. Bad blogger!

Hi all!

I feel much more positive about everything at the moment, which is fantastic. Im generally an upbeat person so I won't dwell on my weight gain for this week for two reasons.

1. It's that time of the month. I looked through my records and noticed I put on .7kgs exactly a month ago. Hmmm...co-incidence? Don't think so.

2. I can feel muscle on my arms already. Oh yes, that's right arm fat- there is someone new in town. This may sound ridiculous to those who are already quite fit, but I can actually touch my upper arm and feel muscle straight away. WITHOUT TENSING!
Wooo hoo! So my theory is that surely this muscle has had some effect on my gain this week.

Back on track....

BOOTCAMP SESSION FIVE, WEEK TWO

We met at Eastern Beach again and it looked very dreary indeed. The sky was grey and ominous looking....but I went anyway.

I noticed that heaps of people hadn't turned up. Glad to see I'm not the only one lacking motivation!

The first challenge was a jogging a circuit of the hills surrounding the beach. I jogged half of the way and power walked the rest, but didnt feel bad about it this time. Already I can see the gap between myself and the last of the fit girls closing.

Ms A gathered us in and we were each handed a small weight. A lot of the girls got 1kgs, 1.5kgs..luck of the draw saw me handed a 2kg weight. I didn't baulk like I would have last week...just got on with it.

The muscle work outs were intense! We had to have our legs up in the air, the weights in our hands and do sets of crunches. I must admit my legs fell more than once, bu they went straight back up again.

We did partner sit-ups, and Ms A was my partner so I knew that I wouldn't get away with not working, lol!

Normal sit-ups are hard, but she had us place the weights on our chest whilst we did the sit-ups. Far out! That does make it harder! I still managed to do six sets of eleven weighted situps which I was happy with, and wasn;t the most meagre effort in the group so for that I was proud.

The second part of tonights session was...crazy. Half of us were fitted with this craxy harness thing, much like I put on my pug Pokey (pic coming), whilst the other half tok hold of the water ski like grip attached. The idea was the person on the harness ran ahead like a tear away rottweiler, and the others pulled and created some resistance behind, whilst jogging.

So simple to type out, yet so freaking hard to actually do. We ran non stop with resistance for half an hour... but heres the kicker. If any of us stopped, the whole group had to do 20 push ups.

I am amazed, and proud to say I did not stop once. I came close- by god I came close.

BUT I DID NOT HOLD THE GROUP UP!

Other people did. I felt for them initially (whilst kinda wanting to shoot them for making me do push ups!) but then realised that this was always going to happen- be it me, or someone else, none of these workouts come easy to us.

By the end I had some serious leg wobbles, so much so I had to pull over because I didnt have enough strength left in my legs to push in the clutch!

But you know what, for the first time I feel really great. Not exhausted hours later, not dreading tomorrows muscle soreness, but great!

[IMG]http://i33.tinypic.com/64qnoo.jpg[/IMG]

MOTHER TRUCKER!

I weighed in today and I have PUT ON .2kgs!

PUT ON!

As in, put some fat BACK ONTO my ass!!

Three sessions of death defying cardio, forty laps up and down those stairs, the most intese ab work outs of my life and I PUT ON.2KGS?!

I was really hoping to break the 10kg mark this week :(

Weight Loss Update

Starting Weight (as of 3rd September 2008): 106.5kgs
Height: 162cms <---Isn't that ridiculous! I think that works out to around 5'2?!
First Goal: To lose 10% of my goal weight- lose 10.7kgs


Current Weight: (As of 12th November): 96.2kgs
Total loss: 9.3kgs
Weight to go before reaching 10% goal weight: 1.4kgs

It's funny- I feel mixed reactions when I see those figures. On the one hand, I feel SELF PRIDE for the first time in years- I never thought I could do that! Even when joining the weight loss group, I seemed resigned to the fact I would probably lose 2kgs at the most, give up, then gorge myself on lindt balls again.

But now? I'm in unchartered territory.

On the other hand, even after losing weight I still feel like it's a hopeless battle, that fat has swallowed my body whole and it's my fate to be the fat girl.

Isn't that ridiculous?!

Wednesday in Hellcamp: Session 2 Week 1

Wednesday was...indescribable agony.

Let me just say that I almost didnt go to hellcamp for the second session. The only reason, the only single one reason I retched my body from my couch was the scales.

I had weighed in earlier and after only one bootcamp session, I had lost 2.2kg.

2.2KG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats one of those giant tubs of ice cream (what is ice-cream, i forget that magical creation) and then some!

Most weeks recently I had been losing .7 or .5 or something similar so it's pretty hard to ignore the fact that bootcamp is actually working.

Tonight we met at a major park, known for its cross country tracks, and hilly terrains. (Plus I couldnt really avoid this session, it was actually across the road from my house. I considered turning off all the lights and being REALLY quiet so they thought I wasnt home, but that all seemed like just as much effort as actually attending would be.)

I arrive early and chat to the other girls, glad to hear I'm not the only one who pulled up sore. I had worn my highest heels to work that day, and cursed myself every minute: my calf muscles already ached, but the heels certainly did not help!

We began our session with a light run. I love how they say a light run.
There is nothing light about it! It's like saying bearable torture or some other ridiculous oxymoron.

We run uphill, across uneven ground. I run as far as I possibly can and power walk the rest. We have a new trainer waiting for us back at headquarters (bootcamp is truly taking over my vocabulary). She looked very young, barely 18 even. It was then I noticed the scowl on her heavily tanned face.
"Are we all giving everything?! She screeches, nodding towards me and raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "All of us?!"

Once again I see she is looking at me and predict, quite accurately, that perhaps she and I were not going to be bosom buddies. From here on in, her name is Snotty Nosed Bitch. SBB if you prefer. Rolls off the tongue easier doesnt it?

SBB points far off in to the horizon. "2.2 km run ladies, off this way, START NOW!" She barks whilst doing an aboutface. "And if one stops, WE ALL STOP!"

I decided to strategically place myself at the front of the pack- that way if I fall behind, I still would be in the mix of things.

Don't get me wrong, it worked in theory. And for a while I was leading the run. However that didn't last long- The others were simply too fit for my chunky little body and overtook me rapidly.

I ran behind for as long as I could withstand it- and hello, 2.2km is alot people!

Inevitably I can't take the pace any longer and stop jogging. I do continue power walking, but would be lying if I said it didnt cross my mind to simply walk across the road and into the safety of my own front yard.

My strides were very long and fast, and I could see the group disappearing in the distance. I felt a bit emotional and a bit like the bootcamp loser making a fool of themselves, but shook this off with positive thoughts about how proud I was to be even making the effort.

SBB jogs towards me in the distance. She stops dead in front of me and flings her arms to her side. 'Is this the best you can do?' She spits at me, hands on hips.

I am so out of breath from the amount of work I am doing It takes me a good few minutes to even push out, 'Yes, it is.'

The look on her face was pure disgust, and I feel her looking me up and down and curling her upper lip into a scowl. Just as quick as she appeared, she turns on her heels and bounces away.

I imagine she leaves in a puff of smoke, off to some genie bottle for evil bitches.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

I'm sorry, but I don't care how young or cute you are, no one makes me feel inferior for doing something out of my comfort zone like this.

The more I thought of it, the angrier I became.

How the fuck dare she? I was doing MY BEST. This may not be as quick or as impressive as the others in the group, but was still MY BEST.

And then the floodgates opened. It sounds ridiculous but with that one look of hers, she had managed to bring back flooding memories of PE, of feeling not quite good enough and being picked last for every team. Things I thought I was cool with, that werent big deals. I wasn't 15 anymore and this shouldnt have bothered me.

But it did. I sobbed my little heart out whilst i power walked. Sobbed from pure exhaustion, indignation and a healthy dose of spite. (maybe a smidge more, lol)

I noticed when the group ahead met Miss A, Miss A looked around for me and saw me in the distance. She ran up to me and noticed I was visibly upset. She began to enquire, but being the sissy girl I am just kind of brushed her off and joined the others for some pushups.

That night Ms A called me and apologised. She said that she had spoken to the other girls in the group and they had all said that the way she talked to me was not acceptable, and did not leave me feeling positive about bootcamp. (put mildly)

Whilst I was sobbing earlier I had vowed not to come to bootcamp again- I was not making effort to be treated like nothing and made cry. And not to mention paying!

But the way Ms A sounded truly sorry, and like she was very upset about it herself...softened me. I told Ms A she would see me for the next session on Friday. I could hear the smile on Ms A's voice. She lowered her voice and said that SNB would not be leading any more sessions, and Italian Stallion had agreed to do more work with us.

I was pleased- he is lovely and actually makes me want to work harder, to impress him or something.To make him know I was putting in everything I had. But SNB? Like I said earlier, I've been overweight all of my life. But that was the first time I have been looked at with pure disgust on the persons face like that.

It will stay with me forever.

I feel like i'm ninety years old...

Oh sweet, sweet baby jesus, I am so sore.


Well, yesterday was a truly momentous occasion.


But today?


I awoke in the middle of the night by being shaken. I opened my weary eyelids to seethe face of my very concerned boyfriend, (He shall be referred to as N). Funny- even my eyelids felt like they'd had a workout!


"Um....Cinderella Big Butt? Who is Italian Stallion?" N queries, sounding a bit threatened.


I groaned and threw the pillow over my head, not wanting to spend another moment thinking about bootcamp.


"You cried out in your sleep. You burst out with, 'I fucking well can't!!" N spat out, roaring with laughter.


I must have had a bootcamp dream! It's not enough my thoughts of bootcamp are consuming every waking hour, but my dreams too?! ENOUGH! (Although it is mildly amusing that I swore to Italian Stallion in my dream, as its what i wanted to do.all.bootcamp)


I remember tossing and turning in my sleep, thinking about all the sore muscle horror stories that Ms A and Italian Stallion told me I would be experiencing.


Ha! I thought, they are clearly underestimating she of the strong muscles!


No, no they werent. As soon as I hauled ass out of bed, I felt like I may just fall back in. I wondered, not too briefly, if perhaps my body had been switched with one of the local elderlies. I confirmed that i indeed had my 21yo body by a quick glance to my favourite sisters, my boobs. Thankfully, they arent at the stage where I need to tuck them into my waist belt just yet.


Hurrah for that.


But seriously people. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Twisting hurts. Stretching hurts. BREATHING AND SMILING EVEN HURTS!!!!


And now I am irrepressibly tired, but considering propping my eyes up with matchsticks: the sooner I sleep, the sooner it's Wednesday.


You guessed it, Wednesday is session two of bootcamp.

Ha! Now known as hellcamp.

Holy Shit.


I'm sorry for not having something wonderfully expressive to open this post with, but that's the only thing that can sum up my experience.


Let me preface this post by admitting to you, my dear readers, that I almost backed out of Bootcamp today. Yes, i know. Pathetic isnt it. I parked my car right out front of where all the Bootcamp ladies were to meet- just so I could suss out the situation.


In fact, my hand even hovered over my keys which were still in the ignition for a while.


Some miracle surge of energy and bravery got my ass out of that car and in to be measured and weighed. It's funny- I feel good about being weighed now. I do forget however that when I meet people for the first time, they don't know I used to be even fatter, and sometimes look me up and down and furrow their brows.


We got our glaringly bright tshirts (Mine is sexy hot pink, which incidentally matched my face after 5 mins in) and chatted nervously amongst our selves.


I was pleasantly surprised to see I was not the only overweight person there.Not even the most obese person there! I know I should gain my confidence from myself, not measure on other people, but I must admit it did make me feel better knowing I wasnt the biggest there.


Ms A was not the only one running the bootcamp- there was a young Italian guy there (from here on in he is the Italian Stallion) who looked like he was barely 18 (that sounds like a bad taste porno- BARELY 18!!!) and I must admit, I judged him by appearance and immediately assumed he would be the biggest douche. For that, I am in fact the douche. Lol.


Italian Stallion led the group into our very first exercise- A fast paced jog, uphill, where we ran in pairs, the last pair running to the front of the group to set the pace, then the next, and so on and so on. Kind of like those mental dosey-do, church and steeple move, promenading polka dances I learnt in Primary School. (Did anyone else do that? Tell me I am not the only one who knows the horrors of the dosey-do and grapevine combination?!)


It is here it becomes increasingly obvious that I am, by far, the most unfit person in this Bootcamp. I look pleadingly at the other overweight ladies and think, 'It's a sisterhood of obeseness! Please tell me this is ridiculously dificult for you too? Wait for meeee!!!' *said in the whiniest voice possible of course*


We run. I ran. R A N.

You may be thinking, der. Heard you the first time. Get over it.


BUT I WILL NOT GET OVER IT.


I was running uphill, wearing a jubilous grin on the inside (a woman running uphill, breathing heavily and grinning madly would look all kinds of crazy) and feeling pretty awesome about myself until I realise at this point I cannot feel my legs. And i'm heaving like an asthmatic. Problematic since I do not suffer from asthma.



I was atleast four metres away from the rest of the group by this stage, with Italian Stallion yelling out 'KEEP UUUUPPPP!' I felt tempted to smack him one. Infact, had he not been moving too fast for my chubby little legs to keep up with I may just have.


You may notice above I have included an image of Eastern Beach, the setting for the terror that is Bootcamp. Please note that it has very steep hills, masses of stairs (with quite an incline) and stretched out forever.


By this stage I am feeling like this was the worst decision of my life. And that perhaps that not everyone is cut out for Bootcamp. AND I WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.


I felt like my chest might explode- like a cannon was inside it just about to go off at any moment. Another weird sensation for me was my sides (i believe on infommercials they call them obliques) aching and burning like you wouldnt believe. Was this from the weight of my hefty stomach heaving to and fro? Or simply a stitch? Once again, I realise I am so out of touch with my own body that I can't even tell.


I finally reach the group of Bootcamp participants and the Italian Stallion who were waiting for me at the end of the first circuit, breathing with so much difficulty that other bootcamp girls seem to be watching me just in case I have a coronary.


"Well done girls!" The Italian Stallion exclaims, "Warm Up Over! You will be all ready for the cardio challenge we have in store for you later!"


My eyes bug out of my head. The only thing that was keeping me going going up that hill was that this cardio component was almost over and we would be moving on to working our muscle groups. I look around to the other girls- no one else seems fazed at all. In fact, they are giggling and mucking around like their perfect little fit bodies had not even noticed they were infact being jogged up a steep hill.


THAT WAS JUST A FREAKING WARM UP?!


A real feeling of dread washes over me and I was ready to admit defeat. Thats It, i thought, atleast I gave it a shot.


Then I remember that muscle training is next- and I was sure that I couldn't completely cock that up. Sure push ups are incredibly hard- in fact i can only ever remember doing three in my whole life, but i think that's a pretty common thing for women. And back in the less fat days, I could kill my skinny friends in a situp comp.


So I dragged (and indeed it felt like dragging) my weary, warmed up body to the flat ground.


I suprised myself! I achieve 7 pushups, 3 of which werent even the lady kind! I feel pretty good about this, however cant be too happy because I still have that cardio challenge in the back of my mind.


And then the obvious hits me -i am slow to catch on obviously!- Whilst not fantastic at cardio, I can do these muscle workouts. And kinda well. Not as great as the buff girls in the group, but not so little so as to shame myself. And I did more pushups and situps than the other overweight girls in the group.


That's where I began to think that I can actually do this, and stop thinking of excuses as to why I can't.


It's funny- when I used to watch The Biggest Loser (eating pizza or something similar whilst viewing of course) I would snort at the girls who would cry, or yell out 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!' I thought they were being dramatic, and quitters. I'd yell back at the tv, telling them to toughen up and get their arses into gear. Now, I completely understand the feeling of simply having nothing left in your body to give.


Italian Stallion shows us our course for the cardio challenge.It went uphill, downhill, up those hellish stairs, and all kinds of different terrains. We have 15 minutes to complete it, can go at whatever pace we wanted, but at under no circumstance would we be able to stop. Or even pause. At all.


It's an understatement to say that I am shitting bricks at this stage. I honestly thought that I would die before completing that circuit.


And yet I attempted it anyway. I didnt feel it then, but I'm so proud to write that.


I tried to run with the rest of the group- falling behind very quickly and doing myself no justice, I push myself to the point I am gagging and feel like I may vomit. This is where I begin to power walk. I feel like a lazy, defeatist shit for walking, but when I think about it, previously I could only walk slowly for 15 minutes without being out of breath. I power on.


The bigger girls seem like miles away now- even the one I estimated was 20kg heavier than I. Weight is truly not an indication for fitness levels!


I was coming last by a huge amount of time. And yet I pushed myself up those stairs, did not slow down when I noticed the heels of my feet bleeding from my new shoes, and dragged my tree trunks up those god damn steps.


Italian Stallion stays by my side, teaching me how to breath properly. It turns out I was breathing quite shallowly, causing myself to hyperventilate and tire even more quickly. I do not need to work against myself!


I notice that most girls have finished at this stage. I feel bad about that briefly, but then shake it off.


Italian Stallion stays with me, pushing me on, without being irritating or smug or a know it all. He tells me he is proud of how I am going and It doesnt matter if i dont meet the 15 minute milestone for the cardio challenge- finishing it will be my starting point.


I am so grateful for this man who I judged so harshly.


Finally, the end was near, and I even managed to jog the last 10 metres of the challenge.


I was the last to finish by far, am heaving like nothing else, and finished 1.5kms of difficult terrain in a little under 17 minutes.


BUT I FELT AWESOME. (Like i could die at any moment, but awesome)


The whole group clapped when I finally finished, (which was lovely but also made me feel like the resident pity party) I need to just accept peoples nice gestures, instead being suspicious of peoples kind gestures.


So how did i feel afterwards?


Put it this way- I fell out of my car, flat onto my face into my driveway. That's how weak I felt.


Another strange side effect- I felt quite weepy afterwards, and i'm not normally like that. I thought exercise relased endorphins?!


But now, after a warn bath and attending to the wounds on the back of my heels, i feel ok. Not fantastic and motivated, but not vowing never to attend again.


The best thing is, I know I can do it now.


And it will only get easier from here on in!


Next bootcamp is Wednesday...hopefully i can work myself up to going.

What have I gotten myself into?

Oh dear. For some reason I was born with this inability to say no to people.

Now I really wish I had of said no.

But let me back up a little bit.

For the purposes of this blog, I shall call myself Cinderella Big Butt. Is it a cutesy name? Kind of. But I couldn't just be plain old Big Butt! It's true but its not exactly the most pleasant way to refer to oneself. Cinderella Big Butt it is.

Have I always had a big butt? For sure. I was the chubbiest primary school kid going around. It was cute then. NOTE TO SELF: Fat is not cute at the age of 21. In fact, it's just...fat.

This journey all began around 11 weeks ago when a new weight loss centre opened right near my work. I thought I would venture in, poke around, and pacify myself that I had made some attempt at losing weight that month. And then stuff myself full of lindt chocolate balls, praising myself internally for my weight loss efforts.

It didnt turn out that way. Thank God for that.

I walked into the weight loss centre thinking that it would be a room full of hugely overweight people and I would look skinny in comparison. Wrong. In fact, I was the biggest there. I thought perhaps I was the youngest- nope, a 16year old was there too.

Whilst contemplating perhaps my perceptions of my weight were not in tune with my actual image, a lovely, slender woman came up to me and asked me if I was interested in losing weight.

I nodded yes, because I was interested in losing weight. Not so much interested in changing my lifestyle, but she didn't need to know that.

Before I know it, I was being shown before and after pictures. In the first shot was always a frumpy, old looking, unfashionable woman smiling for some occassion, like a birthday or Christmas. In the next shot, those same women were slim, tiny, youthful looking women who were glowing with happiness- and wearing grins triple the size of the ones in the previous shots. REAL grins.

I joined a line of women that were all new members and looking at the information the lovely slender woman had given us...and before I knew it I was at the front of this line. And sitting, mocking me silently from the floor, was the devil incarnate: otherwise known as the scales.

Pure panic gripped me. I thought about just dropping all of the information I was given and making a run for it out the front door. No- I have to walk past this place everyday for work. Perhaps I could think of a reasonable excuse not to weight myself. The only excuse I could think of was that I had a deathly allergy to stainless steel....not so believeable.

So I manned up and stood in front of the dreaded scales. The helpful weight loss centre employee asked what I expected myself to weigh. I thought about this quickly- my last weight loss attempt (failed of course, after only 2 weeks) left me weighing in at 90kgs. I figured that was over a year and a half ago and I could have put on weight since then, although I hadnt noticed. I decided to over-estimate by about 6kgs, so when I weighed less I could feel smug and be like 'Oh! less than I thought! Wonderful!'

I stepped on those scales with a slight smirk. I knew I was overweight, hell, obese and I was not happy with that. But I also knew people who weighed more than I did so for some strange reason that made me feel at ease.

I stood off the scales, not looking at the number, saving my surprise for when the weight loss leader told me I weighed less than expected. She did not say anything, but wrote a number down on my new member application form. A big number.

Wait- I thought. Did she just write down 3 Digits? THREE DIGITS? AS IN, TRIPLE FIGURES?

It turns out she had. The figure that was in front of me made me almost want to be sick- 106.6kgs.

Now some people realise they have a problem by different things. A drinker may realise there is an issue when they drink by themselves. A drug addict when they steal from family or friends. I had always told myself I would never ever let myself get to 100kgs. 100kgs was just too big...100kgs was those people in the late night documentaries called 'Trapped' or something similar, who couldn't leave the house, or even their beds! 100kgs was.....just plain FAT! It wasn't 'big boned', 'chubby' 'a big girl' or 'more to love'. 100kgs was just plain OBESE!

That was my lightbulb moment. That was over 11 weeks ago. So far I have lost 8.1kgs and am starting to notice changes in the way I look. Don't get me wrong- at 164cms and 98.5kgs I still look obese. In fact, being so short, I look like a beach ball with legs. No exaggeration. I still have a ginormour bubble butt and gut that looks like im about to give birth, but there have been changes. When I touch my chest now, I can feel my collar bone straight away. My stomach, although still protruding, does not poke out further than my breasts. (Trust me, it wasn't a good look). Spekaing of breasts, gone down a cup size. Not really happy with that- but I cant expect to lose my butt and stomach but keep a hold of my E cups. And DD is still more than any one person needs in the boob department!

So now that I have you up to speed, lets get back to my inability to say no to people.

I work in advertising, and have recently done an advertisement for a company who specialise in female only bootcamps. The lady who I did the ad for is absolutely gorgeous- a softly spoken, slightly built woman who is very kind and easy to deal with. Stupidly I let slip that I have been trying to lose weight and so far it is working, using diet alone.

She reccommends her bootcamp, I smile and say I will think about it.

I forget about it and get on with my week- watching what I eat, working, walking the dog, cleaning the house...all of those wonderful domestic things that make the week go quicker.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon- the end of a long week in sales, staying behind late again. The phone rings, and I contemplate letting it ring out. I decide to answer it in case it's the boss- I want her to know im staying behing and putting extra hours in!

It's the lady from Bootcamp. From here on in, I shall refer to her as SHE WHO CONVINCES ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL KILL ME. Joking. We will call her Ms A. Ms A tells me that she has only one spot left in her program, and she would be so nice as to let me have one full week trial- if I don't like it after a week, I can walk away no questions asked.

I consider it. And then offer some feeble excuse why I can't.

Being the expert sales person, and someone who is genuinely interested in seeing my get myself fit, she handles my objections left and right, and before I realise, the phone is back on the hook and I've agreed to Bootcamp.

The shock hit me like a slap in the face.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THOSE ARMY MOVIES? BOOTCAMP IS HELL- EVEN FOR FIT PEOPLE!

WILL THERE BE OTHER UNFIT AND OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE THERE?

WILL I STICK OUT LIKE DOGS BALLS?

And then came the practical reasons...

You havent jogged, let alone ran, for over 2 years.
You get tired from walking for only 15 mins.
You huff and puff and cough when you walk briskly.

YOU DON'T EVEN OWN ANY SNEAKERS!!!!
And so here I am.

I feel quite sick in my stomach- I'm very scared that I will be the only overweight person there, and all the buff girls will laugh and make fun of me. Im also smart enought to know that that's not likely- they will be working too hard to pay any attention to me.

And what if they all look like, well this-



And I look like...well, an obese person! What I am!

I am being realistic when I say I will be the most unfit person there.

I'm shitting bricks!

Tomorrow is Session 1, Week 1, (Bootcamp goes for three sessions a week, 5 weeks long)

Wish me luck, hope you enjoyed my first blog, and expect to hear every sordid little detail from Day 1 Bootcamp...ARGGH!