See the wagon....

....yeah, i'm off it.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

It's like once I realised I was doing well, no not well, GREAT, my head tells me to relax now, to have a munch on those corn chips...it's ok!

But its not ok. *sigh*

It all started when I had the most horrendous pain of my life on Wednesday. As in, pain that made my jaw swell, my whole face throw and my eyes well up with tears all day.

I left work early to go to the dentist and found out that my wisdom teeth need taking out, and has to be done in the hospital because of how severely impacted they are.

Oh, and that will be $5000.00 (sorry, whinge over I promise!)

That night I was still in pain, but more so in such a negative mood that there was no way I could muster up the courage needed for bootcamp.

And so I flaked.

BUT IT GETS WORSE. (my, aren't I caps happy today?)

I flaked again on Friday. Once again, the painkillers had still not kicked in properly and I called Ms A and piked.

I know it was justified, but at the same time I still feel crap about it.

In addition (why do I feel like im writing an essay of excuses here) I don't think I will be losing this week, which is sucky after my awesome success last week.

There will be an update after bootcamp tonight (if I don't pass away from exertion!).

As crappy as this week has been, I don't want to be a negative nelly so here are some fabulous things in my life at the moment....

♥ Mum has invited N and I over for a roast dinner tonight. (Low fat of course) I love going to my Mum and Dad's and chatting about nothing over diet cordial and sakata crackers.

♥I went to City Chic and purchased the hottest dress, I feel like a 50's pin up girl in it! Will post photos next week, as its for my work Christmas do!

♥My mum told me where to buy my pug Pokey a Santa outfit for cute Christmas morning photos!

♥I had quite a violent encounter on Saturday night, but I managed to be the bigger person (quite literally and figuratively)and not let it get to me. (More on that later!)

Stay posted!

** Drumroll Please!**

I have now lost a grand total of 10.6 kilograms on 13 weeks!

My starting weight, all those weeks ago, was 106.5kgs....

and now I weigh 94.kgs!

(And I bought myself a ridiculously expensive GHD hair straightener as a reward!)

Singin In The Rain....

Or rather, dying from exhaustion in the rain!


WEEK 2, SESSION 3 in HELLCAMP

The sky was grey all Friday, and all day I secretly hoped that Ms A would call and say that bootcamp was cancelled.

Suffice to say, 5.30 came and there was no phone call. So I sucked it up and got myself to Eastern Beach.

I was still holding hope that perhaps Ms A would applaud my devotion and then tell me to go home- but no such luck.

There were probably only 12 of us girls who showed up, and I knew straight away that we were going to work!

Ms A split us into two groups, the fit and the not-so-fit, like she does every week.

Italian Stallion took my group for the first session, and asked us to jog over to the fountain to start our exercises.

I began to jog at a slow pace (my only jogging pace!) and Italian Stallion looked at me, eyebrows raised with suprise and exclaimed, 'You've gotten so much fitter!'

That really shocked me. I guess its because I always feel like its such a struggle- which is really how I should feel If i want this to work.

He had us play a game where we ran up and down hill with weights, in two teams. The idea was one team had to steal weights from the other team, and the team with the most weights won. My team tried hard, we were one person down and my team members were lumped with the most unfit person there (lol) but ultimately lost.

Our penance? We had to run up the steepest hill at the beach, quicker than Italian Stallion or else we had to run up again! Let me tell you, hauling 98 or so (I don't even remember how much I weigh anymore?!) kilograms up a hill that feels like its at a 90 degree angle isnt easy!

I managed to beat him up the hill but I'm pretty sure he showed me a little (or perhaps a lot!) of mercy.

The last part of our session with Italian Stallion was wheelbarrow walking. Wow.

He gave us all different distances to reach- mine was probably only 2 metres. I remember thinking 'Ha!! He does not know the power of Cinderella Big Butt!'

My story changed, however, when I was on my arms with my partner behind holding my legs, with a fantastic few of my, well, behind.

The afore mentioned 98 kilograms all weighing on my flabby, muscle lacking arms?! PAIN! Just pain! No other way to describe it! I made it to my two metre mark, but then on the way back bellyflopped in the mud, unable to carry myself any further!

How gracious and ladylike of me, lol. But then again nothing of this bootcamp experience so far has been gracious or ladylike in the slightest!

We switched groups, and this time we were met by Ms A and L. Have I told you about L?

L was the great trainer who got back my spirits after the SNB debacle. L is stunning- truly one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen. And is she fit or what!!! I like L- she doesnt let me get away with anything- she's a hard one, but isn't rude or arrogant about it.

She does love to dole out the push ups though!



The rain came down harder- It didnt matter anymore, we were soaked to the bone anyhow.

We ran to Ms A, and L gave me the same look Italian Stallion had earlier.
'Far out CBB! You've improved so much!' she smiled, and my heart swelled with pride.

I didnt bask in the glory for long- our next task was to drag GIANT bags filled with sand along the foreshore. I had forgotten how hard it was to run in sand!

We all pushed on, and I could see the other girls were hurting too. And if one of us stopped jogging? 20 pushups!

We ended up doing 5 sets of 20 push ups over that half an hour! I would never ever have thought that was something my body could achieve, but yet here I was.

After bootcamp, I felt absolutely ecstatic. Gone was the feeling of desparation that used to come over me after bootcamp- these must be those famed endorphins!

I weigh in tonight, and will keep you posted. Hopefully I will have good news this week!

Questions to myself

Questions to Myself
(thanks to Heather from setting her free- you are such an inspiration!)

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?

Perhaps it would be quicker to write down what I wasnt likely to eat? *sigh* The main foods I would make my self sick on was big bowls of pasta, bread, gourmet cheeses, lindt chocolate, and pizza.



2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Lunch was a big trap for me. I work in the city and there are so many delicious food options literally across the road from my office- Chinese, McDonalds, KFC, Mexican, Thai, counter meals....! I really enjoyed the choice available and ate a bigger and bigger lunch every week, convincing myself it was healthier to have a large meal in the day time and a small on at night. But then that night, I would still have a normal sized dinner!


3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Whilst I was over eating, I felt really satisfied and happy. Afterwards? Guilt and shame for having eaten such a large meal. I would even lie to my coworkers about my large portions, saying stuff like 'I ordered this, but they gave me the wrong order and now I have all this!' That made me feel even lower afterwards and I'm so ahsamed of myself for that.


4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I dont think I did- I think I just had poor eating habits eg never having breakfast, not drinking water etc. Obviously the huge lunches didnt help, but I would never just go home and eat and eat.


5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?

Well I have honestly been overweight since my early teens. I remember being a bit chubby in Yr 7, but not what anyone would ever call fat. I did dance programs at my school and competitions, and my weight would go up and down depending on that. Around Yr 9 I got to my smallest, probably a size 12. It went downhill from there- I got a job at the local McDonalds. When I left high school I was a size 14 up top ad 16 down the bottom at 75kg and quite unhappy. Three years after high school, it seems I have put on an average of 10kg on every year!

My parents are both diabetic- consequently I have grown up classifying foods as 'good' and 'bad.' I was the kid that had never had a cheeseburger, the kid that didnt know what white bread tasted like, the kid that BEGGED their mum for roll-ups and muesli bars at the milk bar.

I'm pretty sure thats why I have such a messed up relationship with food- and as soon as I got my first job, I would waste my whole pay on junk food.



6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
No- ultimately everything I have eaten has been my own fault. It's funny though- genes definitely play a part in it. Growing up, my sisters and I all ate the same yet they stayed very slim. We were all inactive, just like my Mum. All of our hobbies were sedentary ones like reading, boardgames, watching movies etc. I used to sob my little heart out in my room at how unfair it was that they never put on weight.

That was until this year, when I met my biological fathers family. (My sisters were from my Mum's first marriage) I met my half brother who is morbidly obese. I met my aunties and uncles, all of whom were morbidly obese. They showed photos of my deceased biological father- who was also morbidly obese.

So i guess I do curse my genes on one side of the family, but yet know that I am where I am because of my own bad habits.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I have gone on new 'diets' and 'regimes' atleast once a month since I was 15. Honestly, once I got to 20, I did not give a shit anymore. I ate and ate and ate, resigned to the fact I was going to be fat all of my life and I needed to accept that.
No breakfast since the age of 13 has obviously not helped.


8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Sometimes. I've joined Fernwood and Curves before, tried power walking every night. But ever exercise that actually made me hurt the next day, or think I wasn't going to be able to breath. So never enough, really.

9. Why did you choose that activity level?
I'm lazy. I much prefer to be inside reading a book than outside! Now im just trying to retrain myself to like exercise.

10. What made you finally want to change?
It's hard to say really- I think the everything just kind of worked out perfectly. A new weight loss centre had opened near work, I was happier than ever, had more time to myself now my boyfriend had started workig night shift...it just felt like I could make it work this time.

Wednesday in Hellcamp: Session 5, Week 2

I realised I havent even posted a pic of me. Bad blogger!

Hi all!

I feel much more positive about everything at the moment, which is fantastic. Im generally an upbeat person so I won't dwell on my weight gain for this week for two reasons.

1. It's that time of the month. I looked through my records and noticed I put on .7kgs exactly a month ago. Hmmm...co-incidence? Don't think so.

2. I can feel muscle on my arms already. Oh yes, that's right arm fat- there is someone new in town. This may sound ridiculous to those who are already quite fit, but I can actually touch my upper arm and feel muscle straight away. WITHOUT TENSING!
Wooo hoo! So my theory is that surely this muscle has had some effect on my gain this week.

Back on track....

BOOTCAMP SESSION FIVE, WEEK TWO

We met at Eastern Beach again and it looked very dreary indeed. The sky was grey and ominous looking....but I went anyway.

I noticed that heaps of people hadn't turned up. Glad to see I'm not the only one lacking motivation!

The first challenge was a jogging a circuit of the hills surrounding the beach. I jogged half of the way and power walked the rest, but didnt feel bad about it this time. Already I can see the gap between myself and the last of the fit girls closing.

Ms A gathered us in and we were each handed a small weight. A lot of the girls got 1kgs, 1.5kgs..luck of the draw saw me handed a 2kg weight. I didn't baulk like I would have last week...just got on with it.

The muscle work outs were intense! We had to have our legs up in the air, the weights in our hands and do sets of crunches. I must admit my legs fell more than once, bu they went straight back up again.

We did partner sit-ups, and Ms A was my partner so I knew that I wouldn't get away with not working, lol!

Normal sit-ups are hard, but she had us place the weights on our chest whilst we did the sit-ups. Far out! That does make it harder! I still managed to do six sets of eleven weighted situps which I was happy with, and wasn;t the most meagre effort in the group so for that I was proud.

The second part of tonights session was...crazy. Half of us were fitted with this craxy harness thing, much like I put on my pug Pokey (pic coming), whilst the other half tok hold of the water ski like grip attached. The idea was the person on the harness ran ahead like a tear away rottweiler, and the others pulled and created some resistance behind, whilst jogging.

So simple to type out, yet so freaking hard to actually do. We ran non stop with resistance for half an hour... but heres the kicker. If any of us stopped, the whole group had to do 20 push ups.

I am amazed, and proud to say I did not stop once. I came close- by god I came close.

BUT I DID NOT HOLD THE GROUP UP!

Other people did. I felt for them initially (whilst kinda wanting to shoot them for making me do push ups!) but then realised that this was always going to happen- be it me, or someone else, none of these workouts come easy to us.

By the end I had some serious leg wobbles, so much so I had to pull over because I didnt have enough strength left in my legs to push in the clutch!

But you know what, for the first time I feel really great. Not exhausted hours later, not dreading tomorrows muscle soreness, but great!

[IMG]http://i33.tinypic.com/64qnoo.jpg[/IMG]

MOTHER TRUCKER!

I weighed in today and I have PUT ON .2kgs!

PUT ON!

As in, put some fat BACK ONTO my ass!!

Three sessions of death defying cardio, forty laps up and down those stairs, the most intese ab work outs of my life and I PUT ON.2KGS?!

I was really hoping to break the 10kg mark this week :(

Weight Loss Update

Starting Weight (as of 3rd September 2008): 106.5kgs
Height: 162cms <---Isn't that ridiculous! I think that works out to around 5'2?!
First Goal: To lose 10% of my goal weight- lose 10.7kgs


Current Weight: (As of 12th November): 96.2kgs
Total loss: 9.3kgs
Weight to go before reaching 10% goal weight: 1.4kgs

It's funny- I feel mixed reactions when I see those figures. On the one hand, I feel SELF PRIDE for the first time in years- I never thought I could do that! Even when joining the weight loss group, I seemed resigned to the fact I would probably lose 2kgs at the most, give up, then gorge myself on lindt balls again.

But now? I'm in unchartered territory.

On the other hand, even after losing weight I still feel like it's a hopeless battle, that fat has swallowed my body whole and it's my fate to be the fat girl.

Isn't that ridiculous?!